Fuck me to tears, I never understand why people think that my life is so goddamn easy. Almost everyone who knows me understand that I suffer Post Traumatic Stress, yet still it is assumed my world consists of rainbow colored unicorns with a little fairy riding on its back sprinkling fucking happy dust on everyone in its path. For the record, I refuse to add Disorder to Post Traumatic Stress as that assumes there is something wrong with me when the reality is my cup has fucking runneth over. Not only is it running over, but the son of a bitch is cracked and leaking from the sides too.
Despite pretty much conducting my day to day life with somewhat of a sense of normalcy, my mind never shuts down. Never. In fact, I sometimes awake from deep sleeps with my mind racing. There are times when I might appear to be completely composed when the reality is I would rather drop to my knees and cry. Sometimes at night, I awake screaming at the top of my lungs from night terrors. Yet, somehow because I present a calm demeanor most of the time in public, everything must be just hunky dory in my world. The Post Traumatic Stress is not helped either by the daily pain I suffer as a lingering result of my spinal injury from August 2009. You bet, my life must be an easy existence. Easy if only in the minds of others.
However, I guess I can see how others may think my life is all peaches and cream despite suffering Post Traumatic Stress, as I do make it a point to live my life with a hard core discipline in all that I do. Whether it is doing my job to the best of my ability, treating my work out days with the same importance as my job and sticking very strictly to a healthy diet where I consume mostly protein, as few complex carbs as possible and aim for 2500 calories a day. I live my life pretty regimented as it is how I cope. My mind never shuts down so I have to do something with that energy. Besides the obvious health benefits of practicing intermittent fasting, it is a great method of exercising personal discipline. Personal discipline helps me to avoid eating simple carbs, and keeps me from eating like a ravenous pig when I am feeling hungry. Personal discipline has helped me to kick sugar all together which has after a bit of time erased all cravings for shit food loaded with sugar and preservatives. What does this have to do with Post Traumatic Stress? Plenty. My blood sugar stays normal thereby not sending my pancreas into over drive. I get no insulin spikes. All this helps me to remain on an even keel mentally and physically.
It might be seen that I am sacrificing something in my life, but I am not sacrificing a damn thing. How is not consuming something that greatly affects how I feel physically and has a negative effect on my demeanor making any kind of sacrifice? The way I see it, if I break down and eat garbage to appease someone else, that is the real sacrifice. I am not going to sacrifice how I feel mentally and physically to risk the onset of a PTS melt down.
I have people who are struggling ask me for advice all the time in regards to nutrition for weight loss and for exercise. My methods work quite well but requires work and discipline. I know that what I advocate will give great results and will make you feel better mentally if you put in the effort. Yet, no one it seems ever want to hear about anything that seems like it is going to take some effort and which also requires dumping sugar. So, they go on struggling while having little victories here and great failures there. I have been told that it is “Easy for me to say” numerous times when I give my advice.
Which, circling back around, just because I do something consistently over long periods of time by exercising discipline and knowledge, it does not mean a damn thing is ever easy for me. Every day, I deal with my Post Traumatic Stress. I keep it at bay through proper diet and exercise which releases endorphins in the brain to keep me on an even keel. I live what I preach. I never take the easy way out on anything in life. I work my ass off to live the way I do. I get worn slick by folks who make lame ass excuses for failure. I advocate for folks to pray for my fellow vets who suffer from PTS, yet I want nothing in return for me. I have found my way, but the demons still refuse to leave my mind. Tonight’s battle against the demons was spent by spending one hour and forty five minutes doing some hard core weight lifting followed by a grueling half hour on the recumbent bike at my new gym. This put them down for a little bit, but they always return.
Tonights workout, Sheiko No. 37
Deadlifts, paused at the knees, 7 sets at 245 pounds
Bench Press, 8 sets at 155 pounds
Dumbbell Flyes, 5 set, pair of 35 pound dumbbells
Deadlifts again, 9 sets at 300 pounds
Half hour on the Recumbent Bike