Tag: Autism

Lost In “The Spectrum”: The Illusion of Milestones

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Not My World

Oh, my goodness! I do wish that I had a dollar for every time that I heard, “Well, he’s X years old now! You need to stop doing so much for him! He needs to take care of that for himself!!!” or, “Well, he should be doing X by now!” I’ve got to tell you, in the beginning, it really hurt, a lot, but as the years wore on , I developed the attitude that “Well, if a frog had wings, he wouldn’t bump his butt when he hopped.” Guess what. That’s not the way it is. Welcome to my world.

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Early Milestones

I remember so well the day that my Mother looked at me and said, “Brenda, you need to set him up in his stroller. He should be sitting up by now. If you don’t do that, he never will sit up.” Well, it seemed odd to me. I really knew little to nothing about babies but honestly, I thought that any living thing would naturally grow and begin to sit up or roll over or crawl or walk as the time unfolded for that to happen. I did begin setting him up and soon, he started sitting up on his own. It was a little late… I just accepted that it was my fault like almost all of the Mother’s of autistic children do. Almost everyone implies that all of our children’s difficulties are our fault. We usually just silently accept our psychological flailing and move on. Over time, we feel responsible for every bad thing that happens in the entire Universe. Interesting, if we were that powerful, we would be a god.

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Playtime!

Lucas had never been too interested in rolling over or playing with the lovingly chosen crib toys that I had selected and bought. I was so excited to be getting this baby! I had not had the desire for a child until I was 35 and the odds of still having one were pretty slim and yet, here he was! I was in awe! The entire time I was carrying him, I was preparing to be the best Mom in the world. His crib toys were intended to stimulate him intellectually while still providing endless hours of playtime. I ordered special, expensive toys. I’m not sure why, because once he got here, he was seldom in his crib. He cried endlessly if I put him in there almost from the moment he came home. He simply would not be alone. I tried letting him “cry it out” one time. It was absurd. From that moment on, he was in my arms or on my hip. I learned to do everything from cook a meal to water my flower garden holding my baby. Of course, when he wasn’t crawling, it was my fault for holding him too much… Truth is, a lot of autistic babies never crawl. When they get ready, they just get up and walk. That’s what Lucas did. At 10 months he took his first steps but didn’t walk again until he was about 1 year old. People were slightly obsessed with the fact that he didn’t crawl, again, my fault.

Earlier milestones such as smiling and copying facial expressions were on time but the fact that he seemed uninterested in most toys was unusual. Most babies start making some verbal progress at about 6 months by making “ah” or “oh” sounds. Lucas did these things so seldom that if he did, it was a real surprise. I remember when he was 12 months old, he said “BOM”. Nobody knew what he wanted except me. He wanted a “B”ottle “O”f “M”ilk. At 12 months, he was a little behind in his speech and the trend continues to this day. Communication is so difficult for him, even after graduating from college, that it’s a handicap. Interestingly, he could give excellent presentations in college and get good grades. The reason is that a presentation is not true communication. It is a presentation of facts which autistic people are sometimes very good at. It doesn’t require nuance and perception of the feelings and thoughts of others, just the facts, and Lucas remembers facts.

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Early Skills

Babies usually point to the things that they want at about 9 months. Lucas did not. Much later in life, at about 10 or 12 years, he found his “point” and I was thrilled. He had never done it before. Neither did he look where I pointed until about the same time. It’s a small thing but it is a bigger part of the human experience than we know until it’s not there.

Most babies will “help” when you dress them at about 1 year. Lucas did not. Whenever I dressed him, he just lay or stood like a mannequin. He never pulled his arm out of the sleeve or pushed his leg into his pants. It was like dressing a doll.

He never shook, banged or threw his toys like most babies at 1 year. He did not wave good-bye. He didn’t pull up on furniture and always, the message was clear from so many, it was my fault.

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Around 18 months when most toddlers begin to hand toys to others to play, Lucas would have an all-out melt down if anyone took a toy from him. He was not remotely interested in social play. In the church nurseries that he attended, that was always a problem. I was an only child and didn’t really understand the significance of that behavior. I thought that the teachers should make the other kids leave his stuff alone. I didn’t know that the others were beginning to socialize. Some of the others were saying single words to communicate with other children but not Lucas. He was isolated in his own world. When snacks were served, he always wanted to eat with his hands regardless of what the snack was, again, this was a problem. They assumed that he ate like that at home. He did not. I bought expensive children’s utensils and he used them. What I didn’t understand was that he was beginning to lose some skills already. A lot of autistic children acquire skills only to lose them very soon. It’s hard to watch them lose ground but so often, we do.

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About 2 years of age, when other children were getting excited to be around kids, he was not. He didn’t want to be left with groups of children. He wanted the familiar, his room, books, T.V. shows, games and Mom. He didn’t seem to understand why I was “abandoning” him to rooms full of children. It never went well.

When he was 3 or 4, I became aware that other children were dressing themselves! I was shocked! No matter how many times I showed him how to put on his pajamas, he just would not do it. It seemed to confuse him. He seemed to simply not understand the process, so I would dress him myself. This was the case for years. Finally when he was just getting too old for Mom to be dressing him, I just told him to do the best he could and left him to it. It took FOREVER! I had to allow as much as an hour for him to get dressed. It made us late everywhere we went. No matter how much time I allowed, there would almost always be an argument because nobody understood how hard it was to get an autistic child ready to go anywhere and they would be mad when we finally arrived. I well remember my grandmother’s anger at Christmas when he was 2 years old. He had fought me relentlessly that day. He didn’t want to get dressed and certainly didn’t want to leave home. He had some new stuff and going to Maw Maw’s seemed absurd to him. Leaving home always took a long time. He always wanted to do “one more thing” before we left.

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Around the age of 4 or 5 when other children were role playing, he did not. I have never seen him role-play. He never played “Power Rangers” or cowboys and Indians or army or anything else that little boys might play. He never pretended at all. He has always been literal minded and that is so obvious in the absence of role-playing play. When he was in college and played characters in musicals, it was a delight to see him in his costume in character. He didn’t have speaking parts but he did stay in character and it was fun to see him enjoy that. The professor that worked with him on that is dead now and I remember her with great affection. She was a strict disciplinarian and enforced high standards on her students. Lucas complied. I remember those as the best days of his college experience. She was a choir director and the choir was formal. He would walk out in his tuxedo with that beautifully dressed group of young people and for a moment, he was just one of the crowd. When the event was over, however, while the others were leaving together, Lucas was with us. Nobody ever asked him to do anything. It was just as well, I suppose. Some of his college “friends” wound up in jail.

One of the most specific developmental milestones that most 5 year olds reach is the desire to please friends or be like them. He has never cared. Again, that’s not all bad. Peer pressure gets a lot of kids in terrible trouble. I have not dealt with that.

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Conformity

About this same time, a family member thought that he should be in sports so I enrolled him in T-ball. Oh, dear… It was a disaster. He hated the hot, black polyester uniforms that baked the children in the hot, humid Alabama Spring. He hated the sun. He hated the noise. He didn’t want to run. He hated his Coach. The family member that had encouraged this nonsense came to one game, saw the Coach dragging my screaming son all over the field to try to force him to conform and never came to another one. I let Lucas quit that dastardly team. It was horrible. I didn’t blame him.

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Wheels!

We were living out in the middle of nowhere in rural Alabama, miles from any grocery stores or doctors when Lucas was about 15. Although I had wanted to move into the small college town nearby, it was looking like it was not going to happen. I was not about to get old and die out there in the wilderness and leave this autistic boy unable to drive. While other 15 year old kids were begging to drive, Lucas absolutely did not want to. I insisted. I asked other family members to teach him and even tried to take him to a driving school. Neither happened, so I taught him. There was more than one day that I questioned my sanity. We did have some adventures! He learned and got his license but he all but refuses to drive. It scares him. We moved into the middle of town to accommodate that. Now he can walk almost anywhere he has to go. There is bus service available and if he chooses to drive, it’s not very far. That special day where your kid gets his license was a non-event. I was thrilled, believing that, with God’s help, I had achieved the impossible, Lucas was mortified, fearing that he might actually have to drive sometime.

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The Dream

Throughout college and for a while afterward, Lucas wanted to get married. He really didn’t understand the concept of courtship or wooing a girl. He has always thought that he would just meet a girl and they would get married. It has not happened and he is sadly abandoning that idea. For many years, I was also blamed for that. Never mind that I taught him to drive, bought him the clothes, talked to him endlessly about how to act in public, tried my best to make him realize that basic cleanliness like having your face washed and your teeth brushed DO matter and even tried to “fix him up” a time or two. Oh yes, let’s not forget about pushing to get him a good, pretty car that he didn’t want and won’t drive… I did all that I knew to do to help him but still got the blame when it didn’t happen.

Lucas is 26 and I still care for my son. I love him with all my heart and think that he’s pretty awesome. He’s highly intelligent and I understand him. If you find yourself facing the wrath of the world because your child, THEIR grandchild or THEIR nephew or niece or THEIR student does not hit the milestones, remind them of the frog. If he had wings, he wouldn’t bump his butt when he hopped. He doesn’t. He’s a frog, exactly like God made him and he’s supposed to bump his butt. It is what it is. Love these kids for who they are. Do your best for them but always remember that they are different, and some of that difference is wonderful.

If you would like to read more of my articles about raising my son see The Angry Baby , Educating My Autistic Son and Take Care of YOU! There is more to come.

Lost In “The Spectrum”: Take Care of YOU

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A Mother’s Life

I remember my mother working day and night to take care of my Dad and me. She was a stay-at-home Mom, but she got up at 7:00 A.M. every day and cooked, cleaned and shopped when necessary, to provide us with a clean, stable home and good, nutritious meals. Although I know that she was tired, she did go to bed at a regular time every night. Our home ran on a pretty tight schedule. No matter how much most parents of autistic children try to achieve that ethereal goal, it almost always eludes them. While the child and Dad may be in the bed on time, quite often an exhausted Mother is burning the midnight oil, finishing tasks that fell to the wayside as she toiled endlessly trying to make life the best that it can be for her child. As a result, the Mothers of autistic children have unique health challenges. Remember, your child does need you, now and much longer than most kids need Mom. Taking care of yourself is also taking care of his/her future. And also, always remember, you are a person too. You matter.

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Necessary Remarks

I will frequently reiterate, this is MY experience. Yours may be different. This is not a complaint about how hard our lot in life is. We are blessed to have children who do not understand peer pressure like some other children do. For the most part, they simply don’t care what others think of them. That’s a good thing. While my son has highly social cousins who have spent a lot of time in jail and rehab due to their social behaviors, he has not. I know other parents who have autistic daughters who have not been in trouble with boys the way that some other girls have. Some things that a lot of other teenagers do, don’t make sense to many autistic kids. This article is not about how bad raising an autistic child is, it’s about taking care of yourself because it is difficult and presents unique challenges that can wear you down. No one can deny that truth.

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Health Risk

As Lucas began to exhibit more and more autistic traits, I scoured the libraries for information that might help him. He’s 26, so there wasn’t much good information available at the time. I was a nurse when he was born and I chose to quit working outside the home and stay with him before I had any idea that he would be a little different from most other children. I didn’t have brothers and sisters and had never done much babysitting. I really knew very little about babies or toddlers, but I did know about autism. At first, I couldn’t believe what was unfolding before my eyes. Autism was not as common as it is now and it was unbelievable that my child was autistic. At first, I was a bit numb but soon came to see it as merely a word. The word had no power. What Lucas could NOT do was unimportant to me. It was what he COULD do that mattered. I labored endlessly to strengthen his God-Given skills, gifts and abilities. He was highly intelligent and creative. He took to the water like a duck. I took him to piano lessons and swimming lessons. I made sure he was in church all the time because church people had to be nice to him, (or so I thought…). I took positions in churches to facilitate his activities in them. I studied nutrition and exercise and psychology and autism. I was frantic and manic in my efforts to “pull him through”. I really believed that if I worked hard enough and prayed hard enough and advocated hard enough, that one day, he would “fly” and be merely a little odd like the “Absent Minded Professor” in the Disney movie. I know that most Mother’s of autistic children do the same thing and in all of this hard work, they fall apart. In “Medical Research Archives” of 2015, the statement is made that raising these children may impact maternal health. (1)

 

Life Goes On

Life and it’s hardships don’t stop or give you a break because you have a special needs child. I was in a terrible marriage and felt absolutely helpless to change it. I wanted to stay with Lucas and home school him to strengthen his already strong points and protect him from the horrible bullying in the local school system. He had cousins who had graduated from that school and it was so bad that even some teachers verbally bullied the kids. There was a special needs child who had been abused and that case was “swept under the carpet” but the parents found out anyway and it became quite the scandal. There was NO WAY I was going to subject my Son to that terrible environment. As a result, I ate to alleviate stress, and just for fun, because believe me, in that house there wasn’t much of that. My ex-husband and I argued almost every day and due to Lucas being literal minded, he didn’t tolerate silliness very well. I couldn’t even be silly when my ex-husband was gone. I had to be calm, quiet and orderly all the time and it was exhausting. I have always been a bit of a “cut-up”. I couldn’t do that…ever. The stress was suffocating. I gained weight and didn’t exercise until I started taking Lucas swimming and then I was in for a rude awakening when I had to buy an “old ladies swimsuit”. I was so sad, sad and tired, very, very tired. I stressed my way to a size 22. During this time, my Grandmother had a health crisis and I was the only family member that could or would stay with her. After 5 weeks in her home, on-duty 24 hours a day, I went home. I felt strange. My blood pressure was 220/120 and my pulse was 39. I should have been dead. I began to change my life THAT DAY.

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The Facts

This is an excerpt from the paper cited below. This is a PDF so if you find this link, it will download on your device. When you click the link, you will go to a page where this article is the 5th article down. Click on that to read the entire study. What the above is saying is that the mothers of children on the Autistic Spectrum without Intellectual Disability have poor health compared to other mothers. We, and in some cases, other Mother’s that have children with ID also, are more likely to die from cancer and heart disease. We have poorer antibody response, so we have lowered immunity. We have more asthma, back problems and headaches. We have more obesity, high blood pressure, high blood cholesterol and diabetes. To top it all off, we have more hot “flashes”. This paper is based on 60 other scholarly articles. There is no getting away from the fact that raising our children exacts a price.

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You’re In Charge

As scary as this is, there is a remedy. You have to prioritize your health. The day that I found myself almost dead, I joined the YMCA and started swimming 2 hours a day, 5-7 days per week. Lucas and I began to bowl. Instead of just “going to the playground”, I found parks with walking tracks and we walked the track. It was also good for him. Previously, although I was always finding activities for us to do, I wasn’t prioritizing exercise. That changed. We both lost weight. Due to the stress in our household and the sedentary lifestyle that we were living, Lucas was also obese.

David has a saying, “You can’t outrun a bad diet.” and no truer words have ever been spoken. Until the revelation that I was eating myself into an early grave and bound to leave Lucas at the mercy of the world, I kept Little Debbie Snack Cakes all the time. I kept them in a fridge on my enclosed back porch, thinking that it would discourage me from eating them…wrong. It was a short trip to my back porch and I made that trip frequently.  I got no support from my ex-husband to lose weight, and he insisted that I continue to buy those snack cakes, so I bought just enough to put in his lunchbox that I made for him every night. When my beloved Grandmother would call and ask me if I wanted the cake that she had just taken out of the oven, I said “No.” She would bake the cake, eat one piece and give it to us up until I began to refuse. She was showing love to us but it wasn’t good for any of us so I stopped it. Here at David’s Way, we provide you with healthy recipes for almost any food that you might like. Just go to the search box on the Home Page and search for whatever you want. You can also contact us through the Contact Button to request a special recipe and we will help you find what you’re looking for. Your life is in your hands. Choose your food wisely.

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Another tenet of David’s Way is “Make Your World Small.” (David Yochim) This simply means to remove negative people from your world. As the Mother of an autistic child, I can testify, everyone is not sympathetic to your plight. If they are not supportive, drop them. Move on. Get over it. Your life will be better and so will your child’s. Those kinds of people will make you unhealthy as you try to move Heaven and Earth to please them. There is a special freedom that comes when you separate yourself from negativism.

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While the challenges that face the Mother’s of autistic children are unique, you can navigate these treacherous waters with finesse. My Son is 26 and moderately autistic. I am 63 and work full-time and lift heavy weights and abstain from sugar and other unhealthy foods. I count my calories, carbs and protein and make my nutrition my first priority. I am frequently the one who is called upon when there is a physical challenge at work. I am happier today than at any other point in my life after many years of psychological abuse by more than one family member. I increased my workout today, adding extra squats and David’s “Burpees from Hell” to my routine and walked my dogs after an hour and a half of my regular weight lifting routine. You can take care of yourself if you make it a priority and if you have an autistic child, it is a priority. Take care.

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https://www.google.com/search?q=health+of+mothers+of+autistic+children&oq=health+of+mothers&aqs=chrome.1.69i57j35i39j0l6.8240j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

Lost In “The Spectrum”: Educating My Autistic Son

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“Baby Mickey’s Red Ball”

When I first found out that I was pregnant, I was overjoyed. I had a miscarriage the previous year and being pregnant was an answer to prayer. I made all kinds of plans and had high aspirations about how I would educate my baby. I had always made good grades in school and loved to learn and my ex-husband had also. It was the one thing that we had in common, we were both geeks. We decided that we would read to the baby as soon as he was put into our arms and we did, not in the delivery room, but when we got to our regular hospital room. I had chosen the Disney book, “Baby Mickey’s Red Ball” to read first and as soon as they brought Lucas to me, I read. He seemed enthralled, a little too much for a newborn baby.

As he grew, we both read to him a lot. By the time that he was two years old, he was reading to us. I am not talking about memorization. I am talking about presenting him with reading material that he had never seen before and he read it to us, at the age of two. I had a Great-Uncle who was both fascinated and terrified at this amazing feat. At the age of four, we were visiting with my Great-Uncle and Aunt and Lucas read a newspaper that was laying on the dining room table. I’ll never forget the shock on my Great-Uncle’s face. He was a highly intelligent man who worked for the Agricultural Department and he was astonished.

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The Basics

I was working with Lucas at home because I wanted him to be advanced academically. I was teaching him his numbers and ABC’s. Once he grasped the pattern of our number system, he could count indefinitely. I remember him counting to 200 sitting on his potty for training. He began counting to 300 and I realized that he “got it” and never had to address that issue again. He was two.

Teaching his ABC’s seemed almost ridiculous. He was reading, but he did need to know how to spell, so it seemed to be a reasonable pursuit. Little did I know that he could already spell anything that he wanted to spell. It was very unusual.

This fascination with letters and numbers and advanced reading ability at such a young age is called hyperlexia and many autistic children have it. At the time I thought he was just brilliant, and he is. He is also autistic.

Pre-School

I mentioned his pre-school in my previous article. I had to go right back to the facility within hours of dropping him off at school. He was laying in the floor in the fetal position screaming to the top of his lungs. A few days later, a boy advanced towards him on the top of the slide in the little covered playhouse at the top. The boy was imitating the children’s show, “Power Rangers” and Lucas did not understand what he was doing and pushed him off the slide to the soft sawdust underneath. The boy was not hurt but Lucas was suspended. A few days later they were to convene in a meeting of “The Board” to determine if they would allow him to stay in school. I took him home and told them to forget it. I did not want him in a place where he was not wanted.

Kindergarten

About this time, a friend looked at me and said, “You’re going to home school this one aren’t you?” I desperately wanted to do just that, but had no idea about how to go about it. I knew that he was academically advanced and emotionally behind and that public school would not support his advanced intellect and that he would be bullied relentlessly. The school that he would go to was notorious for bullying by children and staff alike, and there was NO WAY that I would allow that to happen to him. I began to investigate home schooling.

After choosing the curriculum and informing family members about our decision to home school Lucas, I began using the workbooks provided. “Friends” and family alike were in a rage about Lucas being home schooled, as if it was some of their business. They had never watched as he was treated like an outcast by “a good Christian woman” in a room full of “normal” children. They had never seen people laugh when he read the words to a song from the church hymnal, thinking that it was just a memorization. They had never seen a 18 year old boy scream at him in the church parking lot until he ran to the car crying. They only knew that they wanted him to be like other kids. You know what they say, “Opinions are like (body part), everybody has one.” I have also heard that you can wish in one hand and urinate in the other and see which one gets full the fastest.” and “You can’t always get what you want.” as spoken by the great Mick Jagger. People who supposedly readily accepted the will of God in their lives were simply unwilling to accept the fact that the same path is not necessarily the best path for everyone. I home schooled him anyway.

The truth is, we pretty much just jumped right over kindergarten because Lucas already knew all of that. We went right to the first grade studies and the work was incredibly easy for him. By law, you only have to spend a few hours per day in actual studies and even that was not necessary. After he saw the material one time, he had it. The worksheets and tests were a breeze. I had been right, he would have been held back in the public system. Book knowledge came easy for him.

The Grammer School Years

We were able to join the YMCA and swim most days. Lucas is a great swimmer. He took lessons there. We bowled and hiked and took vacations and all the while, his curriculum was with us. We might study in the park one day and at home the next. Those days were the easiest days, not easy, but the easiest. We were not under pressure. Lucas still cannot handle stress well. Home schooling was great for him.

High School

As he neared the end of his mandatory years of study, the work got harder but he still excelled. He took his ACT and aced it with a 27. As a result of that test he was awarded a full Faculty Scholar scholarship to Jacksonville State University where he chose to major in General Music and Minor in Communication, (NOT Communications). Communication studies are mass communication and Communications is more technology oriented.

University

Lucas is a gifted pianist. He had lessons from the time he was 6 years old throughout his life and he excelled in his music. The Communication studies were just as easy for him. He could easily present a paper to an audience of 2 or 200 with no qualms. He was creative and resourceful and used Apple T.V. and Power Point and all kinds of technology to present to his class. He gave personal recitals and played in “Concerts and Recitals” for the staff and students and always got good grades. He graduated with Honors at the top of his class and went on to pursue his Master’s Degree. All of this was on the time table recommended by the University. He got his Bachelor’s Degree in four years and finished the Master’s program in two. It was pretty amazing to see. What no one saw was the endless shopping that I did, buying him everything that his heart desired, just to keep him sane. Those six years cost a fortune. The stress of a State University was too much for this autistic young man and he began to deteriorate mentally. By the time that he finished the Master’s program, he could not even pass the Comprehensive Exams. He walked in graduation but that was all. He never earned his Master’s even after successfully completing the course of study with mostly A’s and a few B’s.

While it is amazing for an autistic child as affected as Lucas is to earn a Bachelor’s Degree and finish the Master’s program, if I had it to do over, he would have never gone to University. His degree seems to be worthless. No one will hire him. He had been a church pianist before going to college at age 16. He did that again for a few months after graduation but he didn’t need a degree for that. The stress of college changed him in an undesirable way. The pressure of keeping his scholarship with high grades, along with the stress of performance and social pressures that he just could not understand, was too much for him. His behavior became erratic. He never thought about his actions before performing them. He became depressed and sullen and the social structure that was foreign to him due to his autism made him feel like a stranger in a strange land. An autistic girl struck up a friendship with him only to end it abruptly when her Mom disapproved. The loss of what he thought was the only friend he’d ever had was too much to bear on top of the rest of college life. He changed from a light-hearted gamer to a sad and lonely young man. He got his degree but lost so much more. He would have benefited so much more from a good trade school where he could have learned to do something useful. As it is, he is unemployable.

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Lessons Learned

As the old adage goes, “Hind sight is better than foresight.” I truly believed that Lucas would “fly” in University. I knew that he was intelligent and gifted. I figured that he would wind up being a geeky college professor like the character in the Disney movie, “The Absent- Minded Professor”. Instead, he had a breakdown. From what I understand, students do occasionally suffer mental breakdowns in college. I know of others who have had that experience who are not autistic. With his limited reasoning ability, he just could not make sense of the whole experience and with academic pressure and pressure at home, which has since been eliminated, he collapsed. Now, I advocate for him to have insurance, some income and a secure future. All that we can do is the best that we know. Nobody is perfect. The thing that I want you to remember is this, “Do your best. That’s all you can do. Your best is not the same as my best or anyone else’s best. It’s YOUR best. We are all imperfect and work with limited resources, both financial and otherwise. Once you’ve done your best, rest. That’s all that you can do.”

Love to all,

Brenda Sue